Relationship Tools
Love cures people—both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
—Dr. Karl Menninger
The relationship transforming tools found in this section, if mastered, are GUARANTEED to transform the nature and quality of both one's intimate relationships and all one's other relationships, making relationship a primary vehicle for one's personal growth.
There are five Relationship Transformers. (pdf version)
The Relationship Commitment
This tool is the only one you really need to transform any relationship.
The Relationship Formula
This simple, but profound tool came to me while facilitating a 3-day Relationship Intensive with a couple involved in a “spiritual partnership” in January 2002. I believe 95% of all conflicts in relationships are due to both people being unconsciously needy at the same time and colliding at the “needy intersection.” If you make this tool the basis of your relationship life, it will absolutely transform all your relationships.
Freeze Frame
In any conflict, both individuals are 100% responsible for the creation of the problem. This exercise creates the possibility for two (or more) people to look together – from the same side – at an incident that caused a painful rift in the relationship, for both to take full responsibility (ending the blame/who’s right, who’s wrong dance) for creating the problem, and for each to see how and why they created the issue to begin with. Both parties need to be committed to discovering the truth in themselves (primarily), as opposed to taking, holding, and defending a position.
Just Listening
Perhaps the greatest, most healing gift we can give another is the gift of unconditional presence. This exercise creates a spiritual/emotional environment wherein one person can unburden his/her soul in the sacred space provided by the other’s love and compassionate listening. It is the best tool for creating deep emotional/spiritual intimacy between two people that we are aware of. If used regularly (at least weekly), it will transform a relationship.
Time Out
When things get heated as they do in any alive relationship between two people, it is often a good thing to take a time out.